Thursday, April 22
Mate Feed Kill Repeat? Official "Proper Metal Nerd"
First off, we're all shouting big thanks to Myles for finding my laptop's CD player. The bastards cost £20 on eBay, and he found it under a chair. He seemed quite suprised when I gave him a whole joint just for finding a scrappy cable, but one mans random cable is another man's incredibly expensive and otherwise irreplacable cable thing.
Now, moving onto today's main attraction.
Recently, I have been disgusted by humanity. Why exactly this is, is more suitable for your average whiny "life suxx!!!!1" blog, but suffice to say, I have recently been half-seriously thinking about causing vast volumes to pain to many people.
However, vast volumes of pain isn't much to talk about. Blood and death are always good sellers, and it would be interesting to write an update about how best to kill everyone. Well, it beats talking about the weather.
So, Chylds Favourite Ways To Kill Everyone.
1.) Death By Chainsaw
Advantages:
-Nothing's really quite so much fun as ripping someone to shreds with a big noisy chainsaw.
-Its bloody, and therefore fun.
-They're (relativly) easy to get hold of.
Disadvantages:
-It's damn heavy
-People aren't generally inclined to be near enough a madman with a chainsaw long enough to meet the business end of it.
-They're quite dangerous. Obvious enough, but they put those "do not stop with hands or genitals" warnings there for a reason...
2.) Death by Shotgun
Advantages:
-You don't have to be standing right in front of your victim before they fall over and bleed.
-Slightly less unwieldy than a chainsaw.
-The Yanks seem to be able to get their hands on them easily enough (here we go with the America-baiting already...)
Disadvantages:
-Looks even more suspicious than a chainsaw.
-Can't take them on planes. Actually, that's quite debatable. You obviously can't take them on the plane anyway, but I'm referring to sticking them in your luggage. I wouldn't know, the laws might have changed since I tried it last week...
-High School Shooting? So 1999, DAH-ling!
3.) Death by Dynamite
Advantages:
-Quite capable of blowing up many people at once.
-You can do it from the safety of far, far away.
-Should you refuse that option, there's always taking lit dynamite and throwing it at people. And anyone who's ever played Blood (strike that; anyone that's ever heard of the game Blood) will know there's nothing more amusing than watching a zombie turn inside out when you throw a stick of dynamite at it. Now you can do it for real! Except without the zombies. Or the robed cultists. Or, in my case, the one-iners...
Moving on from semi-retro-game nostalgia...
Disadvantages:
-From afar, you can't see your victims writhe in pain. Or laugh as you write an update on killing everyone...
-And anyone who's ever played Blood, or in fact ever played with real dynamite, will know that cocking it up results in the walls around you turning red.
-Seriously, where do you buy dynamite from, anyway?
Now, lets wait and see how many people complain about THAT then...
Now, moving onto today's main attraction.
Recently, I have been disgusted by humanity. Why exactly this is, is more suitable for your average whiny "life suxx!!!!1" blog, but suffice to say, I have recently been half-seriously thinking about causing vast volumes to pain to many people.
However, vast volumes of pain isn't much to talk about. Blood and death are always good sellers, and it would be interesting to write an update about how best to kill everyone. Well, it beats talking about the weather.
So, Chylds Favourite Ways To Kill Everyone.
1.) Death By Chainsaw
Advantages:
-Nothing's really quite so much fun as ripping someone to shreds with a big noisy chainsaw.
-Its bloody, and therefore fun.
-They're (relativly) easy to get hold of.
Disadvantages:
-It's damn heavy
-People aren't generally inclined to be near enough a madman with a chainsaw long enough to meet the business end of it.
-They're quite dangerous. Obvious enough, but they put those "do not stop with hands or genitals" warnings there for a reason...
2.) Death by Shotgun
Advantages:
-You don't have to be standing right in front of your victim before they fall over and bleed.
-Slightly less unwieldy than a chainsaw.
-The Yanks seem to be able to get their hands on them easily enough (here we go with the America-baiting already...)
Disadvantages:
-Looks even more suspicious than a chainsaw.
-Can't take them on planes. Actually, that's quite debatable. You obviously can't take them on the plane anyway, but I'm referring to sticking them in your luggage. I wouldn't know, the laws might have changed since I tried it last week...
-High School Shooting? So 1999, DAH-ling!
3.) Death by Dynamite
Advantages:
-Quite capable of blowing up many people at once.
-You can do it from the safety of far, far away.
-Should you refuse that option, there's always taking lit dynamite and throwing it at people. And anyone who's ever played Blood (strike that; anyone that's ever heard of the game Blood) will know there's nothing more amusing than watching a zombie turn inside out when you throw a stick of dynamite at it. Now you can do it for real! Except without the zombies. Or the robed cultists. Or, in my case, the one-iners...
Moving on from semi-retro-game nostalgia...
Disadvantages:
-From afar, you can't see your victims writhe in pain. Or laugh as you write an update on killing everyone...
-And anyone who's ever played Blood, or in fact ever played with real dynamite, will know that cocking it up results in the walls around you turning red.
-Seriously, where do you buy dynamite from, anyway?
Now, lets wait and see how many people complain about THAT then...
