Thursday, June 3
Keen As Mustard
Like many old-school gamers, I used to play Commander Keen. Or, at least, the shareware version of the fourth game. I was playing that game back when I had never even considered that men and women had different genitals, when "It On The Yellow Lines" was considered the height of tacitcal gaming at playtime, before the absurdity of the Intenet, laptops, or Windows 95. How times have changed...
Right, lets get the less retro-game inclined of you up to speed. Commander Keen blah blah blah ten year old boy blah blah blah superhero/inventor blah blah blah spaceship made out of a vaccum cleaner and a toaster blah blah blah fighting aliens blah blah blah blah blah. Yeah, mofos!
Recently, Big Brother found the diskette (how I hate...) with the fourth game on it. Having access to technology greater than "CD-ROMs > You!", I went onto KaAzA, and downloaded six of the seven games that exist. And while many people were perplexed by throwing balls at vegetables and turning them into flowers (shades of Pokemon, on reflection), there's nothing more fun than playing a game older than Little Brother, yet far cooler.
Obviously, since they're a string of mid-90's platformers, they're going to have a cavalcade of absurd monsters to shoot. So, for the sake of an update, I'm going to lambast them, at the expense of my chyldhood self. I don't mind - I was a prat when I was eight. And twelve. And sixteen...
Ah, the typical "pathetic, multitudinous enemy". Obviously, its a slug. But NO! It's a Poision Slug! Which means that you can die simply by touching it. Of course, in Commander Keen's universe, "dying" means either "bouncing off the screen with your legs spread like a shilling whore" or "bouncing off the screen clutching your balls". It must be the amazing Alien Bollock Poision.
Plus, these guys occasionly left puddles of "poision". Every time they stopped to leave one, they looked as if they were trying to pass a grand piano out the back door. Take that as you will.
Hmm, a small spider. Correction, a small flying spider! That mean it also has the Touch of Bouncy Death! If we had that problem with spiders in our world, my bedroom would be a deathzone.
For some reason, these little gits were immune to Keen's gun (apparently a "Neural Stunner", in practise a "goo gun that makes sars orbit the targets head"), but were quite vunerable to being flattened by Keen's pogo stick. Because obviously, being a spider, it has to be flattened. Someone's graduated the Big Brother School of Xenophobia here...
Ooh, scary invisible man! These silly energy-based jelly men are the evil minds behind the later two games. Bloody hell, I only took one day to complete the game, and I became spectacularly hateful towards anything energy based. Of course, they look like they're made of water, and it must be poisionus water, as its the Touch of Deah again....
Ah, the Dopefish. Nothing elaborate in game terms: its a big fish that tries to eat you. However, there are so many fansites dedicated to the big dumb bastards. I also found several references to games where he'd been slipped in as an in-joke. A poster in Kingpin, for example. At least when he eats you, it makes sense that you die, as you don't bounce off of the screen
And finally...
What? Did they actually run out of ideas by Keen 6? Is there actually a blob of floating slime as an enemy? Honestly, there are a thousand stupid enemies they could have come up with. Here are a few I've just thought of.
-Vicious monster with tentacles.
-Hairy beast with a long tounge.
-A tanning booth.
-A giant flying hammer.
-A monster MADE OF CHEESE.
-My testicles.
See? I just made them up on the spot, and they're better than A Giant Floating Amoeba. Honestly, how long did they have to program this game?
Yes, its a bit short, but I need the weekend to recover from my assorted hardships (life suxx!!!!11, you know?) so I can get fresh and shiny material down. Or write bollox about Henry Skull. That's cool too.
My guest updators are very lazy, unless they're called SuperMarct, who is not very lazy! If anyone has a suitable pile of twaddle for me, send it to livingdeadboy2(at)hotmail.com willya? I'm expecting a rant on Vauxhalls from Skorp, a SikTh album review from Tiny1's boyfriend, and something from JohnnyNapalm. You all owe me, folks!
Right, lets get the less retro-game inclined of you up to speed. Commander Keen blah blah blah ten year old boy blah blah blah superhero/inventor blah blah blah spaceship made out of a vaccum cleaner and a toaster blah blah blah fighting aliens blah blah blah blah blah. Yeah, mofos!
Recently, Big Brother found the diskette (how I hate...) with the fourth game on it. Having access to technology greater than "CD-ROMs > You!", I went onto KaAzA, and downloaded six of the seven games that exist. And while many people were perplexed by throwing balls at vegetables and turning them into flowers (shades of Pokemon, on reflection), there's nothing more fun than playing a game older than Little Brother, yet far cooler.
Obviously, since they're a string of mid-90's platformers, they're going to have a cavalcade of absurd monsters to shoot. So, for the sake of an update, I'm going to lambast them, at the expense of my chyldhood self. I don't mind - I was a prat when I was eight. And twelve. And sixteen...
Ah, the typical "pathetic, multitudinous enemy". Obviously, its a slug. But NO! It's a Poision Slug! Which means that you can die simply by touching it. Of course, in Commander Keen's universe, "dying" means either "bouncing off the screen with your legs spread like a shilling whore" or "bouncing off the screen clutching your balls". It must be the amazing Alien Bollock Poision.
Plus, these guys occasionly left puddles of "poision". Every time they stopped to leave one, they looked as if they were trying to pass a grand piano out the back door. Take that as you will.
Hmm, a small spider. Correction, a small flying spider! That mean it also has the Touch of Bouncy Death! If we had that problem with spiders in our world, my bedroom would be a deathzone.
For some reason, these little gits were immune to Keen's gun (apparently a "Neural Stunner", in practise a "goo gun that makes sars orbit the targets head"), but were quite vunerable to being flattened by Keen's pogo stick. Because obviously, being a spider, it has to be flattened. Someone's graduated the Big Brother School of Xenophobia here...
Ooh, scary invisible man! These silly energy-based jelly men are the evil minds behind the later two games. Bloody hell, I only took one day to complete the game, and I became spectacularly hateful towards anything energy based. Of course, they look like they're made of water, and it must be poisionus water, as its the Touch of Deah again....
Ah, the Dopefish. Nothing elaborate in game terms: its a big fish that tries to eat you. However, there are so many fansites dedicated to the big dumb bastards. I also found several references to games where he'd been slipped in as an in-joke. A poster in Kingpin, for example. At least when he eats you, it makes sense that you die, as you don't bounce off of the screen
And finally...
What? Did they actually run out of ideas by Keen 6? Is there actually a blob of floating slime as an enemy? Honestly, there are a thousand stupid enemies they could have come up with. Here are a few I've just thought of.
-Vicious monster with tentacles.
-Hairy beast with a long tounge.
-A tanning booth.
-A giant flying hammer.
-A monster MADE OF CHEESE.
-My testicles.
See? I just made them up on the spot, and they're better than A Giant Floating Amoeba. Honestly, how long did they have to program this game?
Yes, its a bit short, but I need the weekend to recover from my assorted hardships (life suxx!!!!11, you know?) so I can get fresh and shiny material down. Or write bollox about Henry Skull. That's cool too.
My guest updators are very lazy, unless they're called SuperMarct, who is not very lazy! If anyone has a suitable pile of twaddle for me, send it to livingdeadboy2(at)hotmail.com willya? I'm expecting a rant on Vauxhalls from Skorp, a SikTh album review from Tiny1's boyfriend, and something from JohnnyNapalm. You all owe me, folks!
