Monday, June 7
The Black And Orange Truth
That's right folks! If no one sends me a guest update, I don't put up anything instead! Since half the active readership keeps telling me "I haven't looked for a while", I really do wonder why I keep at it. I warn ye now, less apathy. I can stop updating, and if I can't be arsed, I will.
Enough scolding for the day, methinx. So, to divert us, they're finally making a proper Garfield movie then.
For those of you who live in a lonely shack on a mountain, you're very lucky to hasve broadband in your area. But apart from that, you'll need to be told that Garfield is a cartoon cat, whose three main cards are: eating, sleeping, and being even more scathing than me on a horrendous day. But its still remarkably funny. And has been going for about twenty five years. And now he's being taken to celluliod.
To be quite honest, while there's nothing funnier than a previously unseen book of Garfield cartoons (well, if you don't factor in "anything while you're stoned"), there's plenty of reasons to fear the film. Here they are.
1.) Garfield, boys and girls, is a cartoon. Cartoons allow suspension of disbelief. A cat who is actually round, a man who can stick bananas in his ears, being able to fit 200 sardines in your mouth, et cetera.
But it's a live action film. Oh dear.
As far as I can tell, Jon, who is supposed to be Big Brother in ink, is being played by either the Spiderman guy, or the lead guy from one of the millions of "American Pie" clones. I don't know jack shit about mainstream culture. Either way, I bet my nads that he won't come across as "pathetic, cat-abused 30-something batchelor", but "poor unfortunate with a heart of gold, who gets the girl in the end". We're not supposed to sympathise with Jon, we're supposed to laugh as Garfield steals his dinner. God damned Hollywood.
(Footnote: In hindsight, I've no idea what teh last paragraph had to do with the fact it's live action, but its still very, very true.)
1a.) As a tangent on this, Garfield himself is the only character who is CGI. It didn't work for Scooby Doo, I'm dubious it'll work for our favourite fatty feline.
This is offset, however, by the fact that the CGI Garfield is actually quite good, unlike the perpetually-hungry hound. But it does make Odie look a bit, well, normal, Since instead of a dog with a gigantic neck, they used a beagle. Ho hum.
2.) I mentioned Hollywood, right? You know what Hollywood are after? Bling bling, foshizzle. Artistic integrity goes out the window for the sake of shininess there. I know, I've been. The Whisky-a-go-go, anyone? You need to sell tickets before your band can actually play there.
What am I on about? The point is, once Hollywood touches it, the point goes out the window.
Garfield uses Odie, the dog with the mindset of Little Brother, as a beating post. He is out to beat six shades of shit out of the dog. And what I gather from the plot summery, Odie gets kidnapped and, I quote, "insert quote here, numbnuts!" Yeah, good one.
Plus, I can tell from here that Jon is going to get off with Liz the vet. In 25 years, all he's got from her is one kiss ("Human love, its so glandular" commented Garfield), but now, because some LA fatcat has got a slice of the pie, Jon will impress Liz somehow, and they'll get married and live happily ever after.
Have I ever said that I hate all of mankind?
3.) More of a general point, but how does Garfield actually comminucate with anyone?
The film neatly sorts this out by making Garfield a fully paid-up talking cat. While this is quite fine for a Hollywood audience, it doesn't stand very well with people like me who actually give a damn about this sort of thing.
See, Garfield seems to talk to his adoring fanbase by thinking, and this has been used several times in gags involving telephones, and the immortal line "Wonder why cat's don't talk? If we did, no one would like us!". However, more often than not, Garfield says things and Jon understands. In my Vulan-esque mindset, this is illogical. Unless Jon is really a telepathic kitty mind-reader!
See how worked up I can get over points that don't matter? Phear me when the points do...
4.) The preview video crashed my computer the first time I tried to look at it. This isn't really a point against the film, but I don't like it.
Apparently, its coming out on June 11th, but since I didn't hear about it at all until Little Brother started looking at the Garfield website, I doubt it'll be out here so soon. And seriously, I've got enough net/film/general nerd friends to find out about stuff like this well in advance.
Needless to say, when it comes out, I shall see it, and hopefully find it defies my expectations. Obviously, I've now created a paradox. Woop de doo.
Short update, really. So to close, a poem I found the other day.
Love Poem, by Harry Munn
Her eyes were bright
as she reached out
and touched me with her
smooth, white hand.
I trembled,
excitedly;
as she happened
to be clutching
a live electric cable,
at the time.
Enough scolding for the day, methinx. So, to divert us, they're finally making a proper Garfield movie then.
For those of you who live in a lonely shack on a mountain, you're very lucky to hasve broadband in your area. But apart from that, you'll need to be told that Garfield is a cartoon cat, whose three main cards are: eating, sleeping, and being even more scathing than me on a horrendous day. But its still remarkably funny. And has been going for about twenty five years. And now he's being taken to celluliod.
To be quite honest, while there's nothing funnier than a previously unseen book of Garfield cartoons (well, if you don't factor in "anything while you're stoned"), there's plenty of reasons to fear the film. Here they are.
1.) Garfield, boys and girls, is a cartoon. Cartoons allow suspension of disbelief. A cat who is actually round, a man who can stick bananas in his ears, being able to fit 200 sardines in your mouth, et cetera.
But it's a live action film. Oh dear.
As far as I can tell, Jon, who is supposed to be Big Brother in ink, is being played by either the Spiderman guy, or the lead guy from one of the millions of "American Pie" clones. I don't know jack shit about mainstream culture. Either way, I bet my nads that he won't come across as "pathetic, cat-abused 30-something batchelor", but "poor unfortunate with a heart of gold, who gets the girl in the end". We're not supposed to sympathise with Jon, we're supposed to laugh as Garfield steals his dinner. God damned Hollywood.
(Footnote: In hindsight, I've no idea what teh last paragraph had to do with the fact it's live action, but its still very, very true.)
1a.) As a tangent on this, Garfield himself is the only character who is CGI. It didn't work for Scooby Doo, I'm dubious it'll work for our favourite fatty feline.
This is offset, however, by the fact that the CGI Garfield is actually quite good, unlike the perpetually-hungry hound. But it does make Odie look a bit, well, normal, Since instead of a dog with a gigantic neck, they used a beagle. Ho hum.
2.) I mentioned Hollywood, right? You know what Hollywood are after? Bling bling, foshizzle. Artistic integrity goes out the window for the sake of shininess there. I know, I've been. The Whisky-a-go-go, anyone? You need to sell tickets before your band can actually play there.
What am I on about? The point is, once Hollywood touches it, the point goes out the window.
Garfield uses Odie, the dog with the mindset of Little Brother, as a beating post. He is out to beat six shades of shit out of the dog. And what I gather from the plot summery, Odie gets kidnapped and, I quote, "insert quote here, numbnuts!" Yeah, good one.
Plus, I can tell from here that Jon is going to get off with Liz the vet. In 25 years, all he's got from her is one kiss ("Human love, its so glandular" commented Garfield), but now, because some LA fatcat has got a slice of the pie, Jon will impress Liz somehow, and they'll get married and live happily ever after.
Have I ever said that I hate all of mankind?
3.) More of a general point, but how does Garfield actually comminucate with anyone?
The film neatly sorts this out by making Garfield a fully paid-up talking cat. While this is quite fine for a Hollywood audience, it doesn't stand very well with people like me who actually give a damn about this sort of thing.
See, Garfield seems to talk to his adoring fanbase by thinking, and this has been used several times in gags involving telephones, and the immortal line "Wonder why cat's don't talk? If we did, no one would like us!". However, more often than not, Garfield says things and Jon understands. In my Vulan-esque mindset, this is illogical. Unless Jon is really a telepathic kitty mind-reader!
See how worked up I can get over points that don't matter? Phear me when the points do...
4.) The preview video crashed my computer the first time I tried to look at it. This isn't really a point against the film, but I don't like it.
Apparently, its coming out on June 11th, but since I didn't hear about it at all until Little Brother started looking at the Garfield website, I doubt it'll be out here so soon. And seriously, I've got enough net/film/general nerd friends to find out about stuff like this well in advance.
Needless to say, when it comes out, I shall see it, and hopefully find it defies my expectations. Obviously, I've now created a paradox. Woop de doo.
Short update, really. So to close, a poem I found the other day.
Love Poem, by Harry Munn
Her eyes were bright
as she reached out
and touched me with her
smooth, white hand.
I trembled,
excitedly;
as she happened
to be clutching
a live electric cable,
at the time.
