Less Is More v1.6

First off, apologies for the absense of an update on Friday. However, unlike last week, it wasn't the guest updaters at fault (even though no one sent me anything. Again. Gits.) It was left empty as a mark of respect, as my granma passed away on Thursday, bless her soul.

However, I have noticed a trend recently, of me heading down the "life suxx!!!11" path. I am defiling one of the founding principles of Less Is More, and I'm disgusted by myself. So only the first time this week then? Therefore, funnies this week.

I eat all kinds of incredible junk. My philosophy is that I have a digstive system, therefore I use it. Here, for the sake of an update, are some of these things. Part horror-list, part cookbook.

Paper

The trump card of this theme, it seems. I used to eat paper all the time. I've been alive for 18 years, and it hasn't done me any harm at all. Since the insanity seems to be hiereditary...

Its quite simple. I take a sheet of regular, A4 paper (recycled or otherwise), tear off a strip, roll it up, then chew it. It provides a good work out for my jaws, and if I still did it regularly, I could feasably bite off the end of a lump of wood.

Then, once its all pulpy, I swallow. It's shedloads more filling than anything else a man can eat. Let me tell you, two sheets of A4 paper is nearly as filling as a full meal, if not as filling as. Top tip for you anorexics!

It is importent to note two things about this, though. That shiny paper you usually find junk mail is made out of is revolting. Imagine buying a MacDonalds burger, but forgetting to remove the paper wrapper/polystyrene box. That's exactly what eating shiny paper is like, only without the grease. Also, you should not garnish your paper with anything. Sauces are better spent on chips and burgers, and pen/pencil, while never having killed me, might be a bit much for your delicate anatomies.

Cheese and Biscuits Mark Two

I love cheese on toast, with Lea and Perrins. Its a perfect lunchtime food. As is a cheese sandwich with lots of pickle on it. No butter should grace it, though, as butter is a plague and a pestilance unless its melted. But grate some chedder cheese, spread it on a slice of toast, add Lea and Perrins, then grill for five minutes, and you have an ideal sandwich.

Having been told off many times for not cleaning the cheese-coated grill afterwards, I decided to explore the microwave for my cheesy goodness. And it worked. Very, very quickly. Ths led me on, the other day, for updating the ancient classic of Cheese and Biscuits, as much beloved by The Father.

Take a number of cheese biscuits, as many as will fit on a suitable plate. Grate some cheese, and make a mound of cheese on each biscuit, about two and a half inches high, and an inch diameter around the bottem. Pour a small amount of Lea and Perrins onto each pile of cheese.

Put in the microwave, and heat on full power for ten seconds. Remove.

The cheese will be a bubbling pool sitting nicely on top of each biscuit. Now eat, and enjoy the loveliness.

String and Material

As with paper, I would eat pieces of string, or string-like material when I was young. Once in a blue moon, I will still do this. But only if I really, really want to.

"The Trimby Max"

This one requires lots of explaining. For a start, I used to be a Scout. You know, green uniforms, tents, burnt meals over campfires, etc. But before the Scouts, for those of Little Brothers age, there was Cubs. And round here, theres two groups, Milan and Trimby. Milan were the extremly boring lot that actually knew how to put up tents, as patronised ten years ago by me, Big Brother, and Tadpole The Lanky One. Then there was Trimby, the group that actually had fun, as patronised by Just About Everyone Else Ever.

I did help at a few Trimby camps before everyone else gave up the whole Scouting lark, so I became privy to the delights of the Trimby Max. Sounds elaborate Hell no. It was two different cereals, in the same bowl, seperated by a Weetabix.

But lets be honest, when your mother refuses to buy you anything but Minibix, the oppertunity to diversify is lept upon.

Women

What do you mean, April Fools Day was about three months ago? And yes, I am single and very desperate, leave me alone. Or don't, as the case may be. El Oh El.

Incidently, you do have an entire forum that you can discuss this in, just to tell people who don't post yet, to remind members who aren't Dutch to actually post, and to tell the Dutch to stop posting so damn much...