Wednesday, November 24
"Bride of Chucky" In Review, Part Two
You join us for the second part of my review of the incredible sack of crap film sequal, "Bride of Chucky", about dolls killing people and making bad innuendo. Lets remind us of who's in it, and what's happened so far:
Chucky: Serial killer, soul trapped inside a doll, seeks new body.
Tiffany: Chucky's girlfriend, similar circumstances, wants Chuckys plastic working parts (I'm sorry)
Genric Good Guys: Includes Genric Hot Heroines Chick and her boyfriend, who I shall now call Igor Von Stupid, for the fun of it.
GHHC's Dad: The local chief of police, the foil to the GGG's relationship. Killed by a hail of nails from out plastic pals.
Annoying Cop: Assistant to the above. Killed when Chucky sets his petrol tank on fire.
Fredrick von Jokealot: I think he appeared in the first half, friend of the GGGs, and your genric horror "cheeky jokester boy"
Summery: Dolls brought to life, paid Igor Von Stupid to transport them to the site of Chucky's grave, kill people. GGGs get suspicious of each other, hilarity ensures for the dolls.
Now, the next half.
The GGGs stop off, for little reason, at a 24/7 wedding chapel, and decide to cut out the hassle and get married, as you do on these road trips. The dolls watch from afar, Chucky mocking and Tiffany doing the typical woman's "Oh, its so cute!" Not right for a serial killer, hunny. The entire party ends up in the same room as another bunch of newlyweds, who come off as being slighty obnoxious, and therefore suitable murder material for our plastic mateys.
At this point, with "comedic timing", both our heroes call their mutual friend, Frederick von Jokealot, saying that their spouse is a murderer! Oh teh hilarity, And with cunning cunning, a champagne bottle gets hurled through the glass window above the obnoxious couples' bed, and a blissful fountain of water bed water and blood heads skywards. Quite a novel death, all things considered. Chucky then decides to propose to his missus, and then they fuck. They fuck. The single psudo-virgin in me balked at this point - since when has any doll actually been "anomatically correct" that much?
And of course, the cleaner finds the corpses nect door, and of course, the GGGs, long since accused of multiple murder, have to scarper. And who do they find in their van but Frederick von Jokealot? He talks them out of the idea that they're serial killers, and finds the body of Uncle Nailface just as they conclude they're not murderers. He draws a gun on them (as you do, when looting policeman corpses), and our friend Chucky, concerned his rides going to vanish in a puff of blood, draws his knife and prepares to knife Frederick. He runs in fear of the talking doll, gets hit by a truck, and literally explodes.
Last time I checked, people who get hit by trucks do not explode like they've swallowed some Semtex, they bleed and break bones, but not explode. Suitably petrified, the van full of our friends drives off, leaving a dent and a bloodsmear in a lorry. So its a vanishing corpse too, then?
I'm getting bored of this, so here's a short summery.
Domestic arguement between dolls, lady in the oven, Chucky gets to grave, gets his amulet, tries to get a new body, gets into scrap with now black Tiffany (last time I checked, if you put a doll in the oven, it melted, not turned black), she "dies, Chucky gets trapped in his grave, police come and see the little doll runnning around, drop charges against the GGGs, GHHC shoots doll, the end. Police chief checks the body of Tiffany, who promptly gives birth to a blood-soaked doll-monster, which eats the nost git.
Pah, bother. So, since this is a horror movie sequal, we'll use the Yahtzee Internationally Recognised Review System. Go ratings, as they say.
Fingers In Ears Rating: 2/10
Its a film about talking dolls, luvvy. If I wanted to be frightened by talking dolls, I'd put my little brother in a dress and get him to lie in my bed. Plus, the deaths are more entertaining than scary...
Similarity To Last Film Rating: 7/10
We can but assume that the plot of all the Childs Play films is "Doll comes to life, tries to raise his body, makes a hames of it". Three points knocked off because I haven't actually seen any. Nor do I want to...
Blood And Guts Rating: 6/10
Ten out of ten for simple volumes, minus four because its either ridiculously extravagant (Mr Slitted-Throat), or just ridiculous (Mr Exploding-Corpse)
Get Nekkid And DIE! Rating: 3/10
OK, the couple in the motel are shagging as they die, but apart from that, zilch. Zero.
Hateful Heroes Rating: 9/10
The GGGs annoyed me quite a bit, Frederick Von Jokealot annoyed me a lot, and... well, that was it really. Meh.
Overall Horror Movie Sequel Rating: 5/10
I seem to be rare, in that I found The Shining to be a very boring horror film. Nothing really happened in it, apart from Rotting Old Lady. However, it is as amazing as its supposed to be, compared to this bag of tripe.
Quality Rating: 9%
One-Word Summery: Plastic
Chucky: Serial killer, soul trapped inside a doll, seeks new body.
Tiffany: Chucky's girlfriend, similar circumstances, wants Chuckys plastic working parts (I'm sorry)
Genric Good Guys: Includes Genric Hot Heroines Chick and her boyfriend, who I shall now call Igor Von Stupid, for the fun of it.
GHHC's Dad: The local chief of police, the foil to the GGG's relationship. Killed by a hail of nails from out plastic pals.
Annoying Cop: Assistant to the above. Killed when Chucky sets his petrol tank on fire.
Fredrick von Jokealot: I think he appeared in the first half, friend of the GGGs, and your genric horror "cheeky jokester boy"
Summery: Dolls brought to life, paid Igor Von Stupid to transport them to the site of Chucky's grave, kill people. GGGs get suspicious of each other, hilarity ensures for the dolls.
Now, the next half.
The GGGs stop off, for little reason, at a 24/7 wedding chapel, and decide to cut out the hassle and get married, as you do on these road trips. The dolls watch from afar, Chucky mocking and Tiffany doing the typical woman's "Oh, its so cute!" Not right for a serial killer, hunny. The entire party ends up in the same room as another bunch of newlyweds, who come off as being slighty obnoxious, and therefore suitable murder material for our plastic mateys.
At this point, with "comedic timing", both our heroes call their mutual friend, Frederick von Jokealot, saying that their spouse is a murderer! Oh teh hilarity, And with cunning cunning, a champagne bottle gets hurled through the glass window above the obnoxious couples' bed, and a blissful fountain of water bed water and blood heads skywards. Quite a novel death, all things considered. Chucky then decides to propose to his missus, and then they fuck. They fuck. The single psudo-virgin in me balked at this point - since when has any doll actually been "anomatically correct" that much?
And of course, the cleaner finds the corpses nect door, and of course, the GGGs, long since accused of multiple murder, have to scarper. And who do they find in their van but Frederick von Jokealot? He talks them out of the idea that they're serial killers, and finds the body of Uncle Nailface just as they conclude they're not murderers. He draws a gun on them (as you do, when looting policeman corpses), and our friend Chucky, concerned his rides going to vanish in a puff of blood, draws his knife and prepares to knife Frederick. He runs in fear of the talking doll, gets hit by a truck, and literally explodes.
Last time I checked, people who get hit by trucks do not explode like they've swallowed some Semtex, they bleed and break bones, but not explode. Suitably petrified, the van full of our friends drives off, leaving a dent and a bloodsmear in a lorry. So its a vanishing corpse too, then?
I'm getting bored of this, so here's a short summery.
Domestic arguement between dolls, lady in the oven, Chucky gets to grave, gets his amulet, tries to get a new body, gets into scrap with now black Tiffany (last time I checked, if you put a doll in the oven, it melted, not turned black), she "dies, Chucky gets trapped in his grave, police come and see the little doll runnning around, drop charges against the GGGs, GHHC shoots doll, the end. Police chief checks the body of Tiffany, who promptly gives birth to a blood-soaked doll-monster, which eats the nost git.
Pah, bother. So, since this is a horror movie sequal, we'll use the Yahtzee Internationally Recognised Review System. Go ratings, as they say.
Fingers In Ears Rating: 2/10
Its a film about talking dolls, luvvy. If I wanted to be frightened by talking dolls, I'd put my little brother in a dress and get him to lie in my bed. Plus, the deaths are more entertaining than scary...
Similarity To Last Film Rating: 7/10
We can but assume that the plot of all the Childs Play films is "Doll comes to life, tries to raise his body, makes a hames of it". Three points knocked off because I haven't actually seen any. Nor do I want to...
Blood And Guts Rating: 6/10
Ten out of ten for simple volumes, minus four because its either ridiculously extravagant (Mr Slitted-Throat), or just ridiculous (Mr Exploding-Corpse)
Get Nekkid And DIE! Rating: 3/10
OK, the couple in the motel are shagging as they die, but apart from that, zilch. Zero.
Hateful Heroes Rating: 9/10
The GGGs annoyed me quite a bit, Frederick Von Jokealot annoyed me a lot, and... well, that was it really. Meh.
Overall Horror Movie Sequel Rating: 5/10
I seem to be rare, in that I found The Shining to be a very boring horror film. Nothing really happened in it, apart from Rotting Old Lady. However, it is as amazing as its supposed to be, compared to this bag of tripe.
Quality Rating: 9%
One-Word Summery: Plastic
