Tuesday, May 18
Bad Car, Ma...
I've got my prom date sorted. Have you? As far as I'm aware, only if you're incredibly small, didn't come out for a beer in Period Four like you said you would, or not reading these words. Or me. We're only going as friends, but hell, works for me.
Right, time for the most useless update so far. Not a rant, not intentionally funny, more a doomsaying ramble.
On every road, on every street, in every car, you see them. Cars. While I could spend an update on them alone, they're not my point. Amongst these cars, one keeps appearing. And it's scary.
The Vauxhall Corsas.
There's nothing wrong with Corsas. They're small, cheap, and all those other things us impoverished students need from a car (although as I typed this, a friend of mine I haven't designed an alias for yet decided to morally undermine me by declaring to the room that they are shit). But there's no special reason why so many people have one.
For example, Minis are small and cheap, and the old ones are extremly cool and little. Unlike myself. All I want in life (aside from a good woman, a double bass drum kit, an island covered in cannabis plants that I can make a secret base on...) is an old-skool Mini, in matt black, with flame decals. And many people agree with me. But you don't see Minis literally every five minutes when near a road.
So, why are we being swarmed with Corsas? There are several useless theories I can come up with in order to fill space.
1.) The Consumers Are Being Brainwashed.
You could imagine this, couldn't you? Vauxhall has taken over the Government, and forced subliminal advertising into every advert on TV. "Buy Vauxhall Corsas!" they say. "They'll give you a massive penis/pair of breasts! Go on, hop to it!" Result? Flooding of cars.
And yet, such bribery/take-overing requires huge amounts of money. Assumably, the biggest earner for Vauxhall is Corsas. See the paradox yet?
2.) Corsa Laundering
Maybe its a bizarre marketing tactic?
Look a this this way. You go to bed one night, sad in the absense of a genric little car you can bundle a couple of mates/wimminz off to Tescos during lunch break in. But you wake up and find there's one there.Ah! Kudos to Vauxhall, you think. And so does everyone else who believes that you didn't steal it.
Of course, there's also offering them in competitions, with similar effects, but I can't remember any such competitions, all of which seem to be for Minis nowadays, and saying "Won In Competitions" isn't really as funny.
3.) Won In Competitions
But it does fill up spaces when you're frantically trying to get a full update out of a two-paragraph idea because a guest updater is threatening to cover the same ground.
4.) Parallel Universes
An alternate universe, where the only cars avaliable are Vauxhall Corsas, is slowly being squashed into ours due to time distortion. As a result, more and more Vauxhall Corsas are being created as the two universes merge.
Unless some brave hero undertakes a suicidal mission into the alternate universe, and destroy the machine compressing the two realities, we shall eventually be drowned under a tide of small cars.
5.) We Are All Sheep
Well, I wouldn't ignore this theory. See yesterday's update.
And now, a word from our sponsors on the matter:
"porn"
Thanks for that, Miles...
Right, time for the most useless update so far. Not a rant, not intentionally funny, more a doomsaying ramble.
On every road, on every street, in every car, you see them. Cars. While I could spend an update on them alone, they're not my point. Amongst these cars, one keeps appearing. And it's scary.
The Vauxhall Corsas.
There's nothing wrong with Corsas. They're small, cheap, and all those other things us impoverished students need from a car (although as I typed this, a friend of mine I haven't designed an alias for yet decided to morally undermine me by declaring to the room that they are shit). But there's no special reason why so many people have one.
For example, Minis are small and cheap, and the old ones are extremly cool and little. Unlike myself. All I want in life (aside from a good woman, a double bass drum kit, an island covered in cannabis plants that I can make a secret base on...) is an old-skool Mini, in matt black, with flame decals. And many people agree with me. But you don't see Minis literally every five minutes when near a road.
So, why are we being swarmed with Corsas? There are several useless theories I can come up with in order to fill space.
1.) The Consumers Are Being Brainwashed.
You could imagine this, couldn't you? Vauxhall has taken over the Government, and forced subliminal advertising into every advert on TV. "Buy Vauxhall Corsas!" they say. "They'll give you a massive penis/pair of breasts! Go on, hop to it!" Result? Flooding of cars.
And yet, such bribery/take-overing requires huge amounts of money. Assumably, the biggest earner for Vauxhall is Corsas. See the paradox yet?
2.) Corsa Laundering
Maybe its a bizarre marketing tactic?
Look a this this way. You go to bed one night, sad in the absense of a genric little car you can bundle a couple of mates/wimminz off to Tescos during lunch break in. But you wake up and find there's one there.Ah! Kudos to Vauxhall, you think. And so does everyone else who believes that you didn't steal it.
Of course, there's also offering them in competitions, with similar effects, but I can't remember any such competitions, all of which seem to be for Minis nowadays, and saying "Won In Competitions" isn't really as funny.
3.) Won In Competitions
But it does fill up spaces when you're frantically trying to get a full update out of a two-paragraph idea because a guest updater is threatening to cover the same ground.
4.) Parallel Universes
An alternate universe, where the only cars avaliable are Vauxhall Corsas, is slowly being squashed into ours due to time distortion. As a result, more and more Vauxhall Corsas are being created as the two universes merge.
Unless some brave hero undertakes a suicidal mission into the alternate universe, and destroy the machine compressing the two realities, we shall eventually be drowned under a tide of small cars.
5.) We Are All Sheep
Well, I wouldn't ignore this theory. See yesterday's update.
And now, a word from our sponsors on the matter:
"porn"
Thanks for that, Miles...
