Wednesday, June 16
Tales from the Crypt: Stupidity
For your joy, we have short stories again! Only today, they're all about the gross stupidity
1.) The other night, the family was seated around an outside table having a barbeque. Convosation eventually began, after it had enjoyed a brief coma, and moved onto the subject of the Sun.
As you may remember, Venus crossed the Sun the other day. And it won't happen for another 243 years, as The Times told us, across half the front page. Goos to know that they're focusing on events as they happen. But anyway, The Mother asked which of her offspring had actually watched this portentuous event.
"I might watch it tonight." he said.
Consider that a.) There was at most only an hour or two of daylight left. b.) You can't see the sun at night. c.) we had been specifically told that it had happened a good six hours ago.
2.) I was doing my paper round the other month. Well, actually about to cross a road on the way to do it, as you do.
This will make no sense, unless you know the geography of Amersham on the Hill, so here is a brief stage set-up. There is a road, the road my paper shop is on. Halfway along the road, is a zebra crossing, the point where I sought to cross. Right opposite this is a bank. Specifically, a Woolwich bank. For the minding of finances, like most banks.
As I said, I sought to cross at this zebra crossing, and only jus avoided being hit by an idiot in a white van who stopped right across the crossing. Exactly where it is illegal to stop at all, I think.
The driver, not content with nearly running me over, decided to persist in his stupidity. Getting out of his dodgy vehicle, he made as to ask me a question, facilitating me pausing my CD player (bless it, its hinges are broken now) and removing the headphones from my ears.
" 'Scuse me, mate, can you tell me where the nearest Woolwich bank is?"
Check the concluding sentence of the second paragraph of this rambling monologue, and understand the aggrevation as an arm of mine extended lazily in the direction of the bank. Headphones were replaced in ears shortly after.
3.) Ebay. Wonderful, isn't it? I've seen and heard of all sorts of things being sold on it. But that's for another update. The importent thing to note is that you can buy Yu Gi Oh cards on it. These horrific specimens are like Pokemon, only no where near as cuddly, and shitloads more confusing. And somehow, both brothers are smitten.
Big Brother, being marginally more computer-literate than Little Brother (that is an insult to the former, and a compliment to the latter), employs the means of eBay and forums to satate his fetish for card emblazoned with monsters. Fair enough, I buy little men on eBay, and my mum buys computer roles. No biggie, apart from the oddly inverted gender roles...
The other week, perhaps the day of the eclipse, I found him having an arguement with some poor unfortunate from a You Gay? Oh... forum. It was a very vicious one, at that.
"What ails you, brethren?" I asked.
"He's outbidding me on a card." was his main point.
I swore like a sailor at this point. Its a public bloody auction, and my smacktard of a brother actually thought he was the only one allowed to bid on the auction.
If I ever find the poor guy on the other end, I will apologise like crazy. If he ever gets to meet my brother and doesn't punch him in the head repeatedly, the guys an idiot.
I'm quite sure I've got more stories of stupidity, but I can't remeber anything, and this is the season for short updates. They'll be long again one day...
1.) The other night, the family was seated around an outside table having a barbeque. Convosation eventually began, after it had enjoyed a brief coma, and moved onto the subject of the Sun.
As you may remember, Venus crossed the Sun the other day. And it won't happen for another 243 years, as The Times told us, across half the front page. Goos to know that they're focusing on events as they happen. But anyway, The Mother asked which of her offspring had actually watched this portentuous event.
"I might watch it tonight." he said.
Consider that a.) There was at most only an hour or two of daylight left. b.) You can't see the sun at night. c.) we had been specifically told that it had happened a good six hours ago.
2.) I was doing my paper round the other month. Well, actually about to cross a road on the way to do it, as you do.
This will make no sense, unless you know the geography of Amersham on the Hill, so here is a brief stage set-up. There is a road, the road my paper shop is on. Halfway along the road, is a zebra crossing, the point where I sought to cross. Right opposite this is a bank. Specifically, a Woolwich bank. For the minding of finances, like most banks.
As I said, I sought to cross at this zebra crossing, and only jus avoided being hit by an idiot in a white van who stopped right across the crossing. Exactly where it is illegal to stop at all, I think.
The driver, not content with nearly running me over, decided to persist in his stupidity. Getting out of his dodgy vehicle, he made as to ask me a question, facilitating me pausing my CD player (bless it, its hinges are broken now) and removing the headphones from my ears.
" 'Scuse me, mate, can you tell me where the nearest Woolwich bank is?"
Check the concluding sentence of the second paragraph of this rambling monologue, and understand the aggrevation as an arm of mine extended lazily in the direction of the bank. Headphones were replaced in ears shortly after.
3.) Ebay. Wonderful, isn't it? I've seen and heard of all sorts of things being sold on it. But that's for another update. The importent thing to note is that you can buy Yu Gi Oh cards on it. These horrific specimens are like Pokemon, only no where near as cuddly, and shitloads more confusing. And somehow, both brothers are smitten.
Big Brother, being marginally more computer-literate than Little Brother (that is an insult to the former, and a compliment to the latter), employs the means of eBay and forums to satate his fetish for card emblazoned with monsters. Fair enough, I buy little men on eBay, and my mum buys computer roles. No biggie, apart from the oddly inverted gender roles...
The other week, perhaps the day of the eclipse, I found him having an arguement with some poor unfortunate from a You Gay? Oh... forum. It was a very vicious one, at that.
"What ails you, brethren?" I asked.
"He's outbidding me on a card." was his main point.
I swore like a sailor at this point. Its a public bloody auction, and my smacktard of a brother actually thought he was the only one allowed to bid on the auction.
If I ever find the poor guy on the other end, I will apologise like crazy. If he ever gets to meet my brother and doesn't punch him in the head repeatedly, the guys an idiot.
I'm quite sure I've got more stories of stupidity, but I can't remeber anything, and this is the season for short updates. They'll be long again one day...
