Monday, November 29
Oop North, and Down South
So, I've been living up north, near Hull, in Yorkshire, for nearly three months now. By my estimates of said county four years ago, I should theoretically start announcing "Eey oop, Vernon! Owt you t'day?" every other minute, walking a brace of whippets, and drinking Yorkshire Tea. Its sad, when your set-piece stereotype for Drama proves to be as accurate as a Blind Archery contest. Except without the arrows in the eyes of the onlookers, that does tend to hurt.
But would an independent observer prefer the lofty heights of Amersham (inc. surrounding area), or the Northern Lights of Hull (inc. next town)? Well, in the time-honoured style, its time to line them up and compare them!
Terrain For Bikes
Amersham: Being a part of the Chiltern Hills, my home town is about as flat as Jordan's chest. You can't really go anywhere, without seeing at least one hill, and they're all over the place when you try and do a paper round. Which results in me alternatly pushing the thing up a steep incline, and braking frantically as it comes down the other side.
Hull: For no adequatly explained reason, the East Riding of Yorkshire is flat as an anorxic pancake under a steamroller, driven by a sumo wrestler on the Atkins diet. Carrying an anvil. I can sit in the university library, and see the Humber Bridge on the other side of Hull. Consider that there's a large town in the way... although this all overlooked by the fact that the library is approximatly ten stories up, where I usually sit, and the bridge is effing huge. Still!
Plus, they have cycle lanes here. Cycle lanes are good, because you can use the road without being flattened by a moron in a lorry.
VAE VICTEUS: Hull
Accents
Amersham: Down south, we use the long "a" (hence, arse instead of ass, so grass is pronounced grarss), and the word no is pronounced Noh. Like it should be
Hull: Being mad Northerners, grahss is the order of the day. And then there's the one thing that I hate most about being anywhere within 500 miles of Up North: No being pronounced Neur! I loathe this more than anything else in the world! With exceptions. WHERE'S THE 'E' AND THE 'R'?!?
VAE VICTEUS: Amersham. IT'S NOT 'NEUR'!!
But would an independent observer prefer the lofty heights of Amersham (inc. surrounding area), or the Northern Lights of Hull (inc. next town)? Well, in the time-honoured style, its time to line them up and compare them!
Terrain For Bikes
Amersham: Being a part of the Chiltern Hills, my home town is about as flat as Jordan's chest. You can't really go anywhere, without seeing at least one hill, and they're all over the place when you try and do a paper round. Which results in me alternatly pushing the thing up a steep incline, and braking frantically as it comes down the other side.
Hull: For no adequatly explained reason, the East Riding of Yorkshire is flat as an anorxic pancake under a steamroller, driven by a sumo wrestler on the Atkins diet. Carrying an anvil. I can sit in the university library, and see the Humber Bridge on the other side of Hull. Consider that there's a large town in the way... although this all overlooked by the fact that the library is approximatly ten stories up, where I usually sit, and the bridge is effing huge. Still!
Plus, they have cycle lanes here. Cycle lanes are good, because you can use the road without being flattened by a moron in a lorry.
VAE VICTEUS: Hull
Accents
Amersham: Down south, we use the long "a" (hence, arse instead of ass, so grass is pronounced grarss), and the word no is pronounced Noh. Like it should be
Hull: Being mad Northerners, grahss is the order of the day. And then there's the one thing that I hate most about being anywhere within 500 miles of Up North: No being pronounced Neur! I loathe this more than anything else in the world! With exceptions. WHERE'S THE 'E' AND THE 'R'?!?
VAE VICTEUS: Amersham. IT'S NOT 'NEUR'!!
I'm not sure I've ever seen this building before, but it came up in a Google image search for Amersham, and who am I to fault it?
Railways
We're assuming for the moment that both London Underground and Yorkshire trains are equally late-running, and equally likely to derail themselves at the sight of passing pedestrians.
Amersham: If anyone needs to visit me personally, Amersham is located in the top left corner of the London Underground route. Hence, we get trains that, while possibly a million years old, have enough carriges to hold more than three people and a dog. Plus, bridges convey the smelly old things away from roads, where they're hasselous.
Hull: I've no idea what rail network the local trains run on, but I don't like it. Sure, they appear to be nice new trains, but I can only see a bit from the outside when both carriages of each train hurtle through a level crossing, delaying me by five minutes when I've got ten minutes to get in.
So in summery:
-Trains are pathetically small.
-Level crossings causing delays.
-Delays are ridiculously long for such short trains.
-Cunty bollocks.
VAE VICTEUS: Amersham
Prices of Stuff
Amersham: Being in the prosperous south, everything costs a fucking packet. £2.50 for a pint of cider, is it not? And lets not talk about housing prices.
Hull: The only two commodities I think Hull has are students and fish, and I only know about the fish because my Varieties of Life tutor told us so. Unless she sad there used to be a fishing... but we stray. That being, the drinks are legendarily cheap round here. At lowest, a regular pint of cider in Spiders is £1.20. But with the drinks they mix up at Spiders, you don't buy straight pints. A pint of Tyzer costs £2.60, and contains between 9 and 11 shots. Drink anymore than four, and you'll be projectile vomiting all the way home.
Haven't looked at house prices though. Would I need to?
Oh yeah, I do. Whoops...
VAE VICTEUS: Hull
Look! If you can see where my University is, you
Weather
Amersham: Typifies the nature of British weather, ie wet and cold, with patches of sunshine.
Hull: It's grim up North. Hence, the rain is heavy, the wind is capable of freezing a man to ice in minutes, and the sun melts things.
VAE VICTEUS: Amersham
And for now, I'm done. Make your own damned mind up. Bloody freezing winds, or big lumpy hills?
