Monday, June 28
Gross National Income
Right, I'm back from my week-long hiatus from writing updates. A few extra updates are ready to fire, there are several shiny new ideas ready for me to be arsed to write them, and there's no other easy yet witty way to segue into this update, so I'll get to the point.
Back in the Christmas of 2002, I had just acquired a shiny, yet not new drumkit, still had a shiny, yet not new girlfriend, and was generally at the tail end of the best year I've had in a while. And amongst this, I was bequeathed with a book by one of my dear friends.
It has festered unused since then. The drumkit has languished in the garage for a year and a half, the girlfriend has dumped me, messed me around, and become the subject of half a dozen angsty updates, and the years have gone from good to bad to in-between. And this book has remained relativly unspoiled. And now it gets a digital pasting.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the book of Gross Cheques.
This book consists of an assortment of cheques, with promises of "things that make you go YUCK". Joys. So, lets see what horrors lie for anyone I send a cheque too...
I PROMISE TO...
"...give you a Chinese burn"
"...tell everyone you still sleep with a teddy bear"
"...save my farts in a bottle just for you"
"...pee in the pool and blame you"
From these four (the best of a bad bunch), we gather that the targer demographic for this work of high literature is pre-pubescent. Honestly, how can you tell who's pissed in a pool or not? Surely before anyone notices, it will have diffused into the water... lovely imagery, lets stop.
At any rate, I said I'd try storing my farts in a bottle ten years ago, and sodomy with a bottle aside, I'm still none the wiser as to how to do it.
"...ping your bra strap"
...hang on, we've gone from Chinese burns to pinging bra straps? Either they're aiming at very mature pre-pubescents, or someone hasn't reseached their targert audience at all.
But why the pinging? Its so much more evil to just undo the bra completly! It doesn't hurt quite so much, but its miles more embressing...
"...tell everyone your middle name"
"...put your love letters on the school website"
"...tell people you fancy them"
...than this lot. There's no threat to me, however, as I know everyone's middle name as it is, all my love letters were burned in The Big Angry Fire of 2003 (the few survivors aren't really love letters at all, more a case of "I don't love you, stop stalking me, damnit!" letters), and the world already knows who I fancy. Not that I'm not open to suggestions, but no one makes them.
Also, does my school even have a website suitable for reproducing love letters on? Its probably easier just to sign up for a free forum to do it on. Or to erect it in fifty foot high letters of stone.
"...put your hand in warm water when you're asleep"
Just to dispel any notions of pre-pubescence, we're given the ultimate "drunks thing to do" idea. It's never happened to me, and neither have threats that my head will be shaved. So it seems not sleeping with anyone does have some benefits then...
Hold me I'm lonely.
"...put mustard on your dogs bum"
Lets be honest, I'd never heard of that idea until now. And my interest in the results is enough to stop me ever actually doing it.
"...make you smell my trainers"
"...never to use deodrent"
Bad smells=teh funnee!!!11
If I were to never use deodrent, or forced anyone to smell my hiking boots, people would die. Its not a pleasent smell.
"...make things out of my ear wax"
How much ear wax do you have?
"...diss you in public"
An all time low, even for this book. No one in their right mind uses the word "diss" in a real sentence. It's not a verb, its gibberish, at most an abbreviation of "disrespect". Only a smacktard actually uses the word "diss", when "talk shit" works so much better. Oops, can't do that in a book aimed a pre-pubescents wearing bras...
The only other surviving gift from that Christmas was a bottle opener, kept more for its sentimental value than its ability to open bottles, and a photo of me wearing a Budweiser box emblazioned "I Luv (K80) 4Eva!" from my New Years Eve party.
Oh yeah, and add "drum kit" to the above list.
Back in the Christmas of 2002, I had just acquired a shiny, yet not new drumkit, still had a shiny, yet not new girlfriend, and was generally at the tail end of the best year I've had in a while. And amongst this, I was bequeathed with a book by one of my dear friends.
It has festered unused since then. The drumkit has languished in the garage for a year and a half, the girlfriend has dumped me, messed me around, and become the subject of half a dozen angsty updates, and the years have gone from good to bad to in-between. And this book has remained relativly unspoiled. And now it gets a digital pasting.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the book of Gross Cheques.
This book consists of an assortment of cheques, with promises of "things that make you go YUCK". Joys. So, lets see what horrors lie for anyone I send a cheque too...
I PROMISE TO...
"...give you a Chinese burn"
"...tell everyone you still sleep with a teddy bear"
"...save my farts in a bottle just for you"
"...pee in the pool and blame you"
From these four (the best of a bad bunch), we gather that the targer demographic for this work of high literature is pre-pubescent. Honestly, how can you tell who's pissed in a pool or not? Surely before anyone notices, it will have diffused into the water... lovely imagery, lets stop.
At any rate, I said I'd try storing my farts in a bottle ten years ago, and sodomy with a bottle aside, I'm still none the wiser as to how to do it.
"...ping your bra strap"
...hang on, we've gone from Chinese burns to pinging bra straps? Either they're aiming at very mature pre-pubescents, or someone hasn't reseached their targert audience at all.
But why the pinging? Its so much more evil to just undo the bra completly! It doesn't hurt quite so much, but its miles more embressing...
"...tell everyone your middle name"
"...put your love letters on the school website"
"...tell people you fancy them"
...than this lot. There's no threat to me, however, as I know everyone's middle name as it is, all my love letters were burned in The Big Angry Fire of 2003 (the few survivors aren't really love letters at all, more a case of "I don't love you, stop stalking me, damnit!" letters), and the world already knows who I fancy. Not that I'm not open to suggestions, but no one makes them.
Also, does my school even have a website suitable for reproducing love letters on? Its probably easier just to sign up for a free forum to do it on. Or to erect it in fifty foot high letters of stone.
"...put your hand in warm water when you're asleep"
Just to dispel any notions of pre-pubescence, we're given the ultimate "drunks thing to do" idea. It's never happened to me, and neither have threats that my head will be shaved. So it seems not sleeping with anyone does have some benefits then...
Hold me I'm lonely.
"...put mustard on your dogs bum"
Lets be honest, I'd never heard of that idea until now. And my interest in the results is enough to stop me ever actually doing it.
"...make you smell my trainers"
"...never to use deodrent"
Bad smells=teh funnee!!!11
If I were to never use deodrent, or forced anyone to smell my hiking boots, people would die. Its not a pleasent smell.
"...make things out of my ear wax"
How much ear wax do you have?
"...diss you in public"
An all time low, even for this book. No one in their right mind uses the word "diss" in a real sentence. It's not a verb, its gibberish, at most an abbreviation of "disrespect". Only a smacktard actually uses the word "diss", when "talk shit" works so much better. Oops, can't do that in a book aimed a pre-pubescents wearing bras...
The only other surviving gift from that Christmas was a bottle opener, kept more for its sentimental value than its ability to open bottles, and a photo of me wearing a Budweiser box emblazioned "I Luv (K80) 4Eva!" from my New Years Eve party.
Oh yeah, and add "drum kit" to the above list.
