Wednesday, December 22
Women of the World
As you should all well know from two-thirds of a year of me rabbiting on about absolutly nothing importent, I'm not a hugely deep man. I drink as hard as an average student is supposed to, I smoke weed whenever I can, and the emphesis of this rant; I'm painfully single.
Admittedly, looking like the back end of a cart is not a good start, but I've been told many times that I don't. I'm also, not to blow my own trumpet, what can be defined as a "nice guy" - I get on with nearly everyone, always help people if I can (I once dropped everything, including an essay, to cycle into town to pick up a bottle of wine), and some other stuff I can't remember. And still no one's interested! Or not very vocally.
So, its beer and weed for now then. But if I had the choice (Laugh My Arse Off), there's quite a very specific woman I'm after. Therefore, to aid the Great Search, here's a few guidelines, if you want to become a registered Chyld's Girlfriend...
1.) Must Be Articulate Typist
I pride myself on being one of very few people I know who, in an age of half-articulate "lol u r teh funnee!!!!!!!" IM conversations, actually spells and punctuates all his online works correctly. Yes, I do abbreviate some words (enuff and enough, thru and through), I do struggle with "teh" and "the" at high speeds, and sometimes I'm just too drunk to notice the mistakes, but these are the exceptions that prove the rule. And it annoys me, when talking to a sweetheart online, having to battle through no capitals, no punctuation, and a prespondence of exclamation marks (I belive many people would agree that "amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" is no more amazing than "amazing!")
All the great webmasters of our time have girlfriends (or maybe boyfriends - I guess there's more than a few quality lady-run websites out there), and I feel it should be something that comes as part of the package - 75p p.a. salary, full creative rights to a domain, free email address of usename@domainname.com, girlfriend who can type properly. Hell, maybe I've hit on a good marketing strategy.
But at anyrate, my ideal girlfriends must be able to communicate on the Internet as articulatly as in real life, if not more so. Long ridiculous words like mine optional.
2.) Must Be Quite OK By Me And My Drunkeness
Some would argue that I should have a "Must Be Hard Drinker" category, knowing me. But I concur! On the one hand, its getting harder and harder these days to find anyone who doesn't drink at all, and its only marginally harder to find someone who doesn't drink like a fish. I may do a survey on it some day.
No, the greater problem lies with me and my bizarre behaviour when I'm drunk. Any lady I go out with must be quite fine with me talking an even greater volume of nonsense, occasional projectile vomiting (and even more occasionaly, having that vomit thrown around by your best mate...) and other such happenstances. Personal alcohol consumption by the girlfriend is optional.
3.) Must Smoke Weed
And I'm not talking about the odd joint on special occasions. My ideal lady must be able to make like a chimney with the holy green herb as often, if not more so, than I do.
There are numerous reasons for this. One is personal taste. I am a stoner, ergo common interest. There's also the fact that, compared to the number of male stoners, there's very short supply of ladies tokers in my life. I'm not good friends with any lady in the South who does it, and up North there's only one who properly "does it". And she's taken. Bugger.
4.) Must Enjoy My Universal Oddities
The first person that can prove I'm as normal as other people will, on me, recieve a free gold-plated pony. Even I know that I'm the strangest, most random person I know. Of course, there's probably stranger, more random people than me in the world, but I haven't met them yet.
Upon encountering this great force of nonsense, people tend to react in one of three ways. Either they're repulsed (I can name one person at each end of the country who hates me for it), they accept it and move on, or they fall in love with it and call it their best friend. I'd prefer somebody from the latter category, because lets be honest, we all love hero worship.
5.) Must Not Be A Whimsical Bitch
Want to know why all of my relationships last less than a fortnight? Don't ask me, I certainly don't know. But its easier on my ego to suggest that all my girlfriends have been annoyingly flighty mares who can't stick with a man for toffee. And ironically, judging from past experience and present communications, its all so true. My ideal lady will either love me for a long time, or not at all.
Hmm, stating the bloody obvious now, it seems...
6.) Shit Hot And Horny Preferable
Well, I'm male, aren't I? Aren't I allowed to dream of large tits, tight ass, and sex 24/7? I'm well aware that each individuals idea of "shit hot" varies, so I'll leave it to you to work out. May I ass that none of my girlfriends have ever been blonde, so wipe that stereotype away right now...
Well, this update's not going to get me laid, but damnit, I need to try. You all know my e-mail address, you all know my forum, hop to it...
Admittedly, looking like the back end of a cart is not a good start, but I've been told many times that I don't. I'm also, not to blow my own trumpet, what can be defined as a "nice guy" - I get on with nearly everyone, always help people if I can (I once dropped everything, including an essay, to cycle into town to pick up a bottle of wine), and some other stuff I can't remember. And still no one's interested! Or not very vocally.
So, its beer and weed for now then. But if I had the choice (Laugh My Arse Off), there's quite a very specific woman I'm after. Therefore, to aid the Great Search, here's a few guidelines, if you want to become a registered Chyld's Girlfriend...
1.) Must Be Articulate Typist
I pride myself on being one of very few people I know who, in an age of half-articulate "lol u r teh funnee!!!!!!!" IM conversations, actually spells and punctuates all his online works correctly. Yes, I do abbreviate some words (enuff and enough, thru and through), I do struggle with "teh" and "the" at high speeds, and sometimes I'm just too drunk to notice the mistakes, but these are the exceptions that prove the rule. And it annoys me, when talking to a sweetheart online, having to battle through no capitals, no punctuation, and a prespondence of exclamation marks (I belive many people would agree that "amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" is no more amazing than "amazing!")
All the great webmasters of our time have girlfriends (or maybe boyfriends - I guess there's more than a few quality lady-run websites out there), and I feel it should be something that comes as part of the package - 75p p.a. salary, full creative rights to a domain, free email address of usename@domainname.com, girlfriend who can type properly. Hell, maybe I've hit on a good marketing strategy.
But at anyrate, my ideal girlfriends must be able to communicate on the Internet as articulatly as in real life, if not more so. Long ridiculous words like mine optional.
2.) Must Be Quite OK By Me And My Drunkeness
Some would argue that I should have a "Must Be Hard Drinker" category, knowing me. But I concur! On the one hand, its getting harder and harder these days to find anyone who doesn't drink at all, and its only marginally harder to find someone who doesn't drink like a fish. I may do a survey on it some day.
No, the greater problem lies with me and my bizarre behaviour when I'm drunk. Any lady I go out with must be quite fine with me talking an even greater volume of nonsense, occasional projectile vomiting (and even more occasionaly, having that vomit thrown around by your best mate...) and other such happenstances. Personal alcohol consumption by the girlfriend is optional.
3.) Must Smoke Weed
And I'm not talking about the odd joint on special occasions. My ideal lady must be able to make like a chimney with the holy green herb as often, if not more so, than I do.
There are numerous reasons for this. One is personal taste. I am a stoner, ergo common interest. There's also the fact that, compared to the number of male stoners, there's very short supply of ladies tokers in my life. I'm not good friends with any lady in the South who does it, and up North there's only one who properly "does it". And she's taken. Bugger.
4.) Must Enjoy My Universal Oddities
The first person that can prove I'm as normal as other people will, on me, recieve a free gold-plated pony. Even I know that I'm the strangest, most random person I know. Of course, there's probably stranger, more random people than me in the world, but I haven't met them yet.
Upon encountering this great force of nonsense, people tend to react in one of three ways. Either they're repulsed (I can name one person at each end of the country who hates me for it), they accept it and move on, or they fall in love with it and call it their best friend. I'd prefer somebody from the latter category, because lets be honest, we all love hero worship.
5.) Must Not Be A Whimsical Bitch
Want to know why all of my relationships last less than a fortnight? Don't ask me, I certainly don't know. But its easier on my ego to suggest that all my girlfriends have been annoyingly flighty mares who can't stick with a man for toffee. And ironically, judging from past experience and present communications, its all so true. My ideal lady will either love me for a long time, or not at all.
Hmm, stating the bloody obvious now, it seems...
6.) Shit Hot And Horny Preferable
Well, I'm male, aren't I? Aren't I allowed to dream of large tits, tight ass, and sex 24/7? I'm well aware that each individuals idea of "shit hot" varies, so I'll leave it to you to work out. May I ass that none of my girlfriends have ever been blonde, so wipe that stereotype away right now...
Well, this update's not going to get me laid, but damnit, I need to try. You all know my e-mail address, you all know my forum, hop to it...
